Anger and the quest to destroy it

Sobbing kneelt on the floor of Wilson's clutching my eye trying to decipher the contents of Panadol, I wail inside - I don't want to stick bloody caffiene in my body that's the last thing I need, why can't they sell proper drugs? Although it looks like a chemist type shop there's a rather limited offering in terms of migraine relief. So I hobble out into the heat, my head is screaming - I don't want a migraine, I'm so pissed off I've got a migraine, all I wnat to do is go to my class, don't wnat to calm down. It's also poiniting out that this kinda attitude is mearily inflamming the pain - the conflict competes for space in my sore and aching crown.

Futher down the road, having consumed drugs and toast I'm feeling a bit more relieved. We're trying to make it to my first class on Dealing with Anger, I manage to develop the most worked and pristine example of the emotion in question on my way there. I was once told migraine's are caused by anger, for some reason this is one of those totally unsubstantiated claims that I have total faith in. So although part of me wants to find peace in rest the majority favours a solution.

The first lesson in patience was given swiftly, the teacher was late. Pupils gradually made it to their floor based desks throughout the first half hour of the session. One late comer managed to topple a large amount of furniture in the middle of meditation number one. I waited anxiously trying to discern any trace of a furrow in our master's shiney forehead.

Fortunatly one of the key lessons to be learnt was how to laugh at ourselves, I'm asuming this is how Mr Monk got through the farsical start. I'm gettign angry instead. I see a member of our throng prostate herself in front of Buddha, bowing three times. My shoulder's harden and tightness spreads across my chest. The whole class rises, I'm in a panic - do I become a sheep and follow their lead blindly (a behaviour I abhor when in this frame of mind - hence it's not seen in terms of paying respect to another culture). The chap who'll lead the class enters in his robes - people bow, I opt for standing hands behind back as if in school photo. Anger increases - what's all this deferential stuff, he's bloody bowing too - what's with all the deity worship this is supposed to be about anger.

I continue to do my bit for the cause, gettign really fired up by the requirement to sing a song in praise of Buddha. Already in my head I'm concocting eradite reposts to the inevitable questioning of my non participation. I'm walking around those battlements again, lining up the canons - defending, reacting.

I'm in to full out I've been mis-sold, mis-lead, press ganged into a religion - again! But in reality something else was happening. We started our meditiation - no messing here, straight into it. I clung on to some thoughts, let others go, felt myself need to cry. I saw myself standing in a huge silent room, saying "am I doing it - is this meditating".

Our teacher, told us tales - joked with us and spoke in a human, frank and down the pub type manner. Giggles errupted here and there, he took his time. Smacking his lips between sentances, my anger loved that particular annoyance. The lesson's continued, he'd say something in a sort of "you all know what I'm talking about" turn of phrase - to which I'd retort "'I don't, I don't do it like that, that's not like that". The poor man was having a difficult time. He was the object of my anger for which, according to him, I wished nothign but ill fortune and could see nothing but fault in. He was right, and he was also right about feeling crap. He ceased to exist - for the intrinsically faulty person we perceive when angery isn't there (a quote - I was listening).

He told us we were all beautiful, but to be more beautiful we have to get rid of anger. We told him we thoguht our lives might be less colourful with out it, that our careers would be less driven, we'd get less done, people wouldn't listen to us anymore. He carried on telling us we're beautiful.

So we were, and all for just 10 dollars. Our homework is to practise our simple meditation and to focus on the wish to be without anger and with peace. Also we're to practise being patient.

I've started my practise - it's focused on me. I'm in debate with my faulty self - it reckons it does exists but I'm trying to convince it it doesn't, I'm winning.