Thursday, June 08, 2006

ha I'm pissed

It was inevitable, the drunken entry - lots of potential jokes from that one....

So here it is...slighlty less impressive then it seems to me right now.

Today has been a day worth noting so I'm here noting it.

I got scouted by a modeling agency, which is highly amusing. So supposedly i'm going to get work as a model. Ha Ha. Wen tfor crazy interveiw and shoot thing today so had to do lots of just seventeen poses. Very amusing.

Had some food then went out drinking in very tall bar 70 floors up. did my first long haul lift ride on my own, a day of over coming fears.

So had too much to drink and now arrnaging my social life---far too many people i know are still up at 1.50 am.

The spelling will eb crap so apologies, at least this bit is spelt ok.

Go and drink water - opps that should have been in my head not on the page....

Monday, June 05, 2006

Beauty and truth

To see something beautiful go to bloke's blog www.rossfowler.blogspot.com
That's it - it's beautiful and truthful.

Meanwhile I'm angry - in a kind of useful solid way. Why is hatred creative? Perhaps it's not perhaps I'm experiencing the relief of creativity - it's cathartic. Anyway - that's me. I was making a list of why I'm hateful earlier - always a good thing to do to lighten your mood. I'm not sure it's very helpful or truthful. Given my continual drive to judge all I do and all I am as crap it's not likely to have much truth in it.

The matter of behaviour raises is my topic of choice at the minute. I attempted to argue that behviour is not self - in hat you might behave in ways that are not aligned with your self. Self being somesort of thing I haven't worked out yet that is always constant, always loving (oh bollocks the anger cracked and revealed some pain) and always valueful. For example when pissed you might behave very hatefully, like not bothering to talk to someone at all even thought it's their party (one o my latest). Now can we surmise that I am in fact a hateful person because I behave hatefully? If I had alzheimers and started hitting Ross violently would I be a hateful person. Would my behaviour be my some and total parts?

I don't know, from someone's point of view I might be, cause lets face it that's all they've got to go on - my behaviour. But unless that person sees all my behviour how can they make a judgment about my worth? That's bollocks too - worth isn't dependent it's absolute. I can't be worthy of being.

I'm half convinced that there's nothing to work out but still my brain chunters along. Here's some more beauty. If a tale is told with words like this it can't be an idiot telling.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

A pile of party

White walls and floors, black outdoors. Art sits here and there - green and sometimes shiny.

In the middle of the floor two red leather sofas house a pile of party. Initially the party had been upstanding but it had lost it's stability and found need to collapse on to the tomato skin design ponse. The hot skin might have attracted them but the central ceiling fan was probably the main reason for the choice of location.

Up right English gent in tropical khaki and sandals took a conventional seat. He talked of reasons and the weather. He was always below - sat as others moved by to the salad or stooped to coffee table brownies.

Gothic creative type B balanced on a sofa arm, his hips angled like his hat. His too perfectly dark and too perfectly shaped beard was left to be perfect, all his facial communication happened as his droopy eyes remembered to express in line with the words that shot out. He spoke like a delayed actor - stock response speedily delivered complete with the well worn tones of camp. Siouxsie Sioux lives on in fabric form with irony and without sleeves. Like the pearly Victorians brooch and the tilted brim, there was a deliberateness in the act of smoking and drinking.

In contrast creative type D was smoking and drinking for sustenance. As is his want he occupied a darkened corner. Once spoken to energetic pacing, lunging and verbalizing burnt you. Darkness sat in his face.

A single fan draped herself across type B, she was part of his outfit. Skeletal and staccato quick tongued she roared. Her body was open, her dress a requirement of company worn for no purpose. She grasped and shoved her small lean breasts into a cleavage as she illustrated her tale, her fatless face contorted like her nipples under the fabric support of her halter.

corporate type C had been caught under the rubble of the collapse, she'd come to rescue corporate type a who had been invited because art needs consumers. Her eyeliner had been applied in an attempt to straighten her round bulging desperately earnest eyes, it went straight not following the curve only leaving a hopeful gap. Her sleek trim thighs seemed the unlikely recipients of the pale and pink fat rolls that sat below the fading blue shirt of type A. He seemed desperately unsure, panicked by every moment.

"I'm so sick of Dom Perignon"
"I don't even like Dom Perignon"

I have conversations...

"conceptual art must have moved on the portrayl of the nude"
"intimacy is the real journey"
"yoga changed my life"
"You're going to sell people cool"
"I keep meeting triathletes"

Discontented, mouths are filled with blinis and minds drugged with wine. The next event is planned, thirsty for sensation empty bodies move on.