Reflections on the adventure

I'm almost three months in. Kinda settled into this life now. The smells aren't so smelly anymore. The heat is still hot, but has now found itself made preferential as the days of air-con endurance stretch out.

So how has my life changed? I left the job etc. So that my life would change. I thought I didn't want what I had.

If would seem that life doesn't need to change just the way that you live it. A good friend gave me a journal before I left that had, what turned out to be the mantra of my Asian existence, on the front. "The adventure begins not with seeing new places but with having new eyes". So I find myself a long way from home, with a new set of peepers. I have found a new way of thinking as well. It is amazing what happens when you do the most unlikely thing offered on life's menu.

I fear I'm boring, I've lost the ability to write...My faith in this bit is somewhat shakey.

Well fuck it, need to talk about other stuff. Like Buddhism, can't believe that we missed the boat so much in the West. Jesus!! No not Jesus, that's the problem. What's with all this externalising stuff, who is responsible for convincing us that we need to grasp on to something outside of ourselves. That we need to behave, think or do a particular thing. Why was acceptance missed off the agenda? What's with all the conditional stuff, the reliance on support so we can survive life. I seem angry, disappointed - interesting.

I'm in the process of removing anger from my life, this is a long term project and has the benefit of being the only way to freedom. Imagine never moving away from anything you feared, disliked, found frustration or anger in. No more, I don't like that so I'm going to obsess about and concern myself with removing myself from this situation and then concern myself and obsess about never getting back here or near anything like it. Genius. Every difficulty, every annoying person, every, traffic jam, stuck lift, queue, late friend, automated back service...Every moment of anguish is now a blessing. It's an opportunity to move close to patience and further from anger.

I'm convinced, I know that the only way to live is to live free from fear and anger. To live in a place where acceptance prevails, acceptance of my entirety - including the bits struggling to learn all this. This is a place without judgment, hatred, delusions, attachments - only peace. I can't explain it all it's just falling out of my keyboard. But it needs to be said...I'm shaken, disturbed. I'm currently considering the implications of seeing those who annoy and upset us as friends, giving us the opportunity to learn and practice. My entire decision making process is now defunct - I used to pursue comfort, security, acceptance. This person annoys me, remove. This job frustrates me, remove. This life's not what I want, remove. But "You can't be saved from who you are" - like when I stood on the train platform and realized the fear of not getting on was bigger then that of get on, I've hit a place of no escape. Me and my life, there's no escape from it. Why would I aim to change each of these perfect moments, as I hurtle towards the worms? Why would I want to sit here thinking, it should be like this, I should feel like this, I wish I was here, I can't wait till I'm there, just a few more months then it'll be so much better. Anyone would think I had all the time in the world.

I don't have, I have this time here now. I want to be in every single moment of it, regardless so that moment's ecstasy or pain. I am free.